Parents!

PARENTS: Please take time to read this info or print it off and read at your convenience         

10 Tips on Talking To Your Kids About Sex

(adapted from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy and established by the Department of Health)

      1.   Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes: Communicating with your own children about sex, love, and relationships is often more successful when you’re certain in your own mind about these issues. To help clarify your attitudes and values, think about the following kinds of questions before talking with your children.

1. What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually active – perhaps even becoming parents?
2. Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how is that done, realistically.
3. Were you sexually active as a teenager? How do you feel about that now? Were you sexually active before you were married? What does that lead you to say to your own children about these issues?
4. What do you think about encouraging teenagers to abstain from sexual activity until marriage?
5. What do you think about teenagers using contraception?

       2.  Talk with your children early and often about love, sex, and relationships: Kids have lots of questions about sex. Start the conversation and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful. If you can’t think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on the television or in movies as conversation starters. Tell them candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know.
Age appropriate conversations about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child’s life and continue through adolescence. Resist the idea that there should be just one conversation (the talk). The truth is, parents and kids should be talking about love, sex, and relationships all along. This applies to both sons and daughters and to both mothers and fathers. All kids need a lot of communication, guidance, and information about these issues, even if they sometimes don’t appear to be interested in what you have to say. And if you have regular conversations, you won’t worry so much about making a mistake or saying something not quite right, because you will always be able to talk again.
Remember: kids need as much help in understanding the meaning of sex as they do in understanding how all the body parts work. Tell them about love and sex and what the difference is. And remember to talk about the reasons that kids find sex interesting and enticing; discussing only the "downside" of unplanned pregnancy and disease misses many of the issues on teenagers’ minds.
In addition to be an "askable parent", be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. Share your values. Don’t be reluctant, to say, for example: Sexual abstinence is the only 100% effective form of birth control or protection from sexually transmitted diseases. Research demonstrates that talking with your children about sex does not encourage them to become sexually active. Remember, too, that your behavior should match your words.
Here are some questions that most kids want to discuss:

1. How do I know if I’m in love? Will sex bring me closer to my girlfriend/boyfriend?
2. How will I know when it’s o.k. to have sex? Should I wait until marriage?
3. Will having sex make me popular? Will it make me more grown-up and open up more adult activities to me?
4. How do I tell my boyfriend that I don’t want to have sex without losing him or hurting his feelings?
5. How do I manage pressure from my girlfriend to have sex?
6. What’s the best way to avoid getting pregnant?
7. Can you get pregnant the first time?

       3.  Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents: Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 p.m. and you don’t get home from work until 6 p.m., who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours but engaged in useful activities? Where are they when you go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervision and monitoring your kids’ whereabouts doesn’t make you a nag; it makes you a parent.

        5. Discourage early, frequently, and steady dating: Group activities among young people are fine and often fine, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know about your strong feelings about this throughout childhood – don’t wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area.

       6.  Take on a strong stand against your daughter or son dating someone significantly older than they: Don’t allow your child to develop an intense dating relationship with someone much younger or older than they. The risk of matters getting out of hand increases when they get involved with someone much older or younger. Power differences exist for young boys and young girls dating older partners. This can lead to risky situations, including sex and sex without protection.

       7.   Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood: The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased if their future’s appear bright. Help them set meaningful goals, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. Tell them, for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will need to stay in school in order to earn a degree and pass certain exams. It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way, such as setting aside time to complete homework. Explain how becoming pregnant – or causing pregnancy – can derail the best of plans; for example child-care expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college.

     8.   Let your kids know that you value education highly: Encourage your children to take school seriously and set high expectations for their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be attentive to your children’s progress in school and intervene early if things aren’t going well. Meet with teachers, principals, guidance counselors, and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs so there’s enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done.

      9.   Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to: The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are full of material that send the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex seem to be married or committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it’s important to talk with your children about what the media portrays and what you think. If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why. Be "media literate" – think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to. You can always turn off the TV, cancel subscriptions, and place certain movies off limits. You will probably not be able to fully control what your children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.

         10.   These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age:

1. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help
   1. Express love and affection clearly and often
   2. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.
   3. Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.
   4. Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their ages and interests, not just yours.
   5. Shared experiences build a "bank account" of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics including sexual behavior.
   6. Be supportive and interested in what interests them
   7. Attend their sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their achievements, even little ones, ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
   8. Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule
   9. Don’t compare your teenager with other family members (i.e. why can’t you be like your older sister?). Show that you expect courtesy and respect from them in return.
   10. Help them build self-esteem by mastering skills; self-esteem is earned, not given and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.
   11. Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible and use the time for conversation , not confrontation.

1. A national survey in 1997 found that family factors are significantly associated with delaying sexual intercourse. Among young people who have not yet initiated sex these family factors include high levels of connection – teen’s perception of receiving warmth, love, and caring from their parents – and parental disapproval of teen sexual activity. Among sexually active youth, the study found that a greater number of shared activities with parents is protective.
2. Glenn Stanton, who wrote an article entitled "Parents are The Most Effective Deterrent" states, "Pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases among adolescents have increased dramatically over the last 20 years…a study by Stephen Small from the University of Wisconsin-Madison and Tom Luster at Michigan State University, published in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, found that parental involvement and the transmitting of the parent’s values were significant factors in preventing early sexual activity. They explain that permissive parental values regarding adolescent sexual behavior emerged as a strong risk factor for both males and females. Not surprisingly, adolescents who perceived their parents as accepting of premarital adolescent sexual activity were more likely to be sexually experienced. A review of the professional literature over a period of five years confirms Small and Luster’s conclusion. Drs. Sharon White and Richard DeBlassie conducted this review and published their findings in the journal Adolescence. Parent who set moderate, reasonable rules for teens experienced the lowest prevalence of sexual activity with their teens. These parents who set moderate rules ‘ carefully supervised their teenagers in regard to whom they dated and where they went, and insisted on a reasonable curfew…’Interestingly, those parents who have very strict parental discipline and too many rules about dating experienced higher rates of sexual activity among their teens than parents who set more moderate rules, but less than those who set no rules. White and DeBlassie report that several studies indicate that not living with both biological parents is also a predictor of early sexual intercourse. Moreover, parental communication with teenagers was often recommended as a means of curbing early sexual activity. Significant as well is the fact that White and Deblassie found that parents were ‘rated highest in terms of influence on sexual opinions, beliefs and attitudes, but lower than friends, school and books as sources of sexual information.’ When adolescents are asked from whom they wanted to receive sexuality information, nearly all preferred their parents.
   A recent review of scientific surveys by Drs. Stuart Seidman and Ronald Rieder from Columbia University, published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, found that early adolescent sexual involvement has been closely associated ‘with risky behaviors such as using drugs, not using contraception at first intercourse, having multiple sex partners and having frequent intercourse. It may also be a marker for other sexual behaviors that place an individual at greater risk for sexually transmitted diseases, such as lack of condom use, less discriminating recruitment of sex partners, and having multiple sex partners in a short period of time. Finally, early age at first intercourse is directly linked to sexually transmitted disease and cervical cancer.’ This association between sexual activity and other negative behaviors is also revealed in Small and Luster’s study. They report that ‘numerous factors have been indentified as being related to heterosexual adolescent sexual activity. They include poor school performance and low educational aspirations, alcohol and marijuana use…’ Regardless of causation, sexual activity is linked with these other negative consequences with great frequency. This is shown in another study published in Public Health Reports. The authors explain that only 4.4 % of sexually active teens were involved in sexual activity exclusively and 22.7% were involved in various forms of delinquency, alcohol use, and sexual activity.
   If Americans hope to slow the tide of adolescent sexual activity and all its companion problems, we must do what we can do to strengthen the one entity that can do something about it: the family."
3. Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter (from www.aimforsuccess.org

Remember: Adolescents want to be able to talk with their parents about sex. Teens rate parents as highest in terms of influence on sexual opinions, beliefs, and attitudes.

Family discussions appear to lessen the frequency of adolescent sexual activity and to increase the likelihood of using contraception.